Lost: Me

I am supposed to be finishing my post for one of my favourite linkys’ #ChuckleMums, but I don’t feel much like chuckling this morning. I have been fighting the invisible hand of postnatal depression all weekend again. It’s always there, some days are better and I don’t contemplate legging it from the house with just my car keys for company. But this weekend it’s just sat there like an impenetrable fog. Not helped by being full of cold, which is miserable even at the best of times. I have stuck a brave face on it and carried on with the usual mundane housework, laundry and meeting all of the children’s needs, an outsider would probably not even notice there is anything wrong. But I can feel it bubbling inside me, quietly simmering beneath the surface ready to explode about something (most likely trivial) how it will manifest itself  will depend on who opens the box! If it’s Pie it usually comes out as rage but if it’s my mum or a friend it’s likely to be a flood of tears and a torrent of unintelligible words.

I am hoping that this week might be the start of getting to grips with my feelings after Puddings birth. I have an appointment with Acacia who are a postnatal depression charity that run all sorts of helpful sessions. Looking forward to talking to someone and feeling able to be honest without being judged for not enjoying the kids.  Because it’s not about that, I love them both dearly, I just don’t feel like me anymore. Most days I feel as if I am living through Groundhog Day, I know that raising small children can be quite repetitive and that this is just a fact of life when you are a mother, but it’s definitely a fact I need some help to accept. I don’t know what the sessions at Acacia will be like, that makes me anxious but I hope that they will start to untie this guilty knot that’s still inside me. Things are better than they were a few weeks ago but I don’t think I am quite there yet…

As for the for the #chucklemums post? This is Pudding HQ something is bound to happen before lunchtime that will be worthy of featuring in a funny linky!

Love Pudding’s Mum

Pink Pear Bear
My Random Musings

31 thoughts on “Lost: Me

  1. Sassy says:

    You are not alone my love! Depression of any sort is a sick three tired that suffocates you… I’m here for view want to talk! Good luck with your first appointment ! Big hugs! ❤️ Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jade says:

    Oh honey I send a massive cuddle. You are amazing I can barely keep one alive let alone two. It’s ok to live your children dearly but mourn the loss of yourself. I’ll and tired doesn’t help. I hope you find some respite and comfort with talking to the charity I think Leo was 8 months before the pnd lifted but I was a first time mummy with no clue of what was going on in my head. If you ever want a chat or a shout my phones always on. Thank you for suck a lovely heartfelt post xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becky (And Then There Were Two) says:

    You are not alone lovely. There are so many people in the same situation and it’s good that you can blog about it to hopefully share (and offload) some of your emotions and to help others know they are not alone. You are also doing all the right things by getting some help. Hope you feel better soon and I’ll look out for your post on Chucklemums 🙂 #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Squirmy Popple says:

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you’ve lost yourself – I sometimes feel like I put so much effort into being ‘mum’ that I forget how to be Katie. You’re not alone, and it’s great that you’re getting help. Big hugs! #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  5. pinkpearbear says:

    Oh it is just so so so tough. I suffered terribly after the birth of my second, I often felt like leaving, for their sakes too, who needs such an angry miserable mum. Luckily I recognised the signs, as you have, and begun my journey out of the black hole. 3 years on and I feel like I’m at the surface, but very occasionally I will feel the sides start to give. You are on the start of your journey out of the gloom. You’ve asked for help and you will get through this. Plus it is very groundhog day like to start but hold on to the fact that it will not be this mundane and monotonous forever. I pinky promise. Thanks for linking up and be kind to yourself today. #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  6. jermbarnes says:

    Good for you for recognizing that you don’t feel right and taking steps to try and make it better. All too often, people are afraid to make that admission

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Baby Anon says:

    Bless you. It’s great that you are able to talk about it, including to your mum and friends. Everyone expects you to be so happy after having a baby but the reality is somewhat different. Hope that the charity helps. Also not sure if you’ve tried mindfulness and meditation. There’s a great quote that I use at times of blue ‘this too shall pass’ and it’s true. Sending love and hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

      • Baby Anon says:

        You could try Headspace. It’s a meditation app that you do for 10 mins a day and build up. I found it really great. Take care xx


  8. Lucy at occupation: (m)other says:

    I hope, along with the anxiety about what it will be like, that you are feeling proud that you have reached out to get help. You are taking control and working through this, that’s amazing! You also sound very self aware. Depression and anxiety can feel so overwhelmingly awful but they are not you…I mean the whole you, and you’ll find yourself again I’m sure of it. Digital hugs lovely, look after yourself…be kind to yourself today. X


  9. Nadine (@caringchaos) says:

    Oh hun I’m sending a virtual hug and high 5. It is great you are going to get help – counselling really helped me in terms of just being able to vent without feeling guilty. Having children is a drastic life change. Ive not heard of Acacia I will def look them up xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. absolutely prabulous says:

    Oh I wish I knew what to say. I went through it (or at least I’m sure that is what I had as I never actually went to see anyone) with my second. It’s so debilitating. I do hope you get the help you need to see this through. It can be such a dark long tunnel.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. randommusings29 says:

    I can’t begin to imagine how horrible it is to have pnd, especially when people make you feel guilty about it too. I really hope Acacia can give you the support you need
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes


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