A Major Milk Disaster
Ah the joys of formula feeding, images of happy contented babies gazing lovingly up at their parents, laying sweetly in your arms happy and contented…. Well yes on some occasions but this is not always the case in our house. Firstly their is the issue of preparing said bottle, you dilligently remove all the pieces of your chosen bottle or bottles and scrub them to within an inch of their life in a scalding hot bubbly bowl of water. Then you rinse off all the bubbles and attempt to stuff as many things as you can into the steriliser, you finally manage to squeeze it all in when you realise you haven’t remembered to measure out the required amount of water for the steam steriliser so after carefully extracting a bottle you measure out whats needed and force the bottle back in. Great, so the bottles are sterilising and you have filled the kettle and put it to boil. So after waiting for the kettle to cool for 30 minutes (as directed by the box of formula) you fish a bottle out of the over stuffed steriliser without trying to drop the whole lot on the floor. Then comes the assembly, have you got all the pieces? Yes even that extra bit that allegedly stops colic by magically removing all air from the bottle as the baby drinks it (!). But now the pressure is on, like a challenge out of the krypton factor, because the baby is awake and she wants that milk now, well actually she wanted it 10 minutes ago but she was asleep and didn’t realise she wanted it…
So the race is on, you build the bottle, praying the pieces are in the right place and the teat is pulled through correctly, this is no mean feat because they are still boiling from just being steamed for 10 minutes. Hmmmm decisions how much will she drink? Formula is expensive, you don’t want to make 6 oz of milk if she is only going to drink 4 and half…. Ok pour the water, crikey that still feels really hot, ok 6 oz, 6 scoops of formula, your counting in your head whilst talking calmly to your squalling baby, who is utterly inconsolable, I mean come on you are starving her after all! Oh man how many scoops have you put in? That was number 4 yes or was it 5, no definitely 4…. Screw the lid on, shake the bottle, damn its far to hot. You attempt to cool the bottle down, but at this stage even liquid nitrogen wouldn’t cool it fast enough for your little one, you stand it in cold water, hunt through the freezer for some ice but alas you used that yesterday in the same situation – will frozen peas work?? Finally its cool enough to drink, you grab a muslin and give it a sniff, yep that one is mostly clean and snuggle up on your sofa tucking baby in the crook of your arm. Tip the bottle up and oh bugger that teats not on quite right and milk is leaking everywhere. At last the bottle is reassembled. Ah bless her she is happily suckling gazing up at you….
The bottles half gone and you are finally starting to relax into the feed, when she starts to spit milk everywhere and wildly flap her arms like a baby bird that has fallen from its nest. She is squirming all over your lap, that thing that allegedly takes out all the air works a treat eh? You sit her up rub her back, she belches like a chap who has just downed a pint at closing time, then promptly refluxes half digested milk all over the sofa… Then turns and gives you that huge toothless smile, yep you know the one that melts away all your grumpiness. She finishes her bottle and settles up on your shoulder for a quick cat nap before the whole process starts all over again!
Its at this point you realise that bottle feeding is by no means the easy option!