Lost: Me

I am supposed to be finishing my post for one of my favourite linkys’ #ChuckleMums, but I don’t feel much like chuckling this morning. I have been fighting the invisible hand of postnatal depression all weekend again. It’s always there, some days are better and I don’t contemplate legging it from the house with just my car keys for company. But this weekend it’s just sat there like an impenetrable fog. Not helped by being full of cold, which is miserable even at the best of times. I have stuck a brave face on it and carried on with the usual mundane housework, laundry and meeting all of the children’s needs, an outsider would probably not even notice there is anything wrong. But I can feel it bubbling inside me, quietly simmering beneath the surface ready to explode about something (most likely trivial) how it will manifest itself  will depend on who opens the box! If it’s Pie it usually comes out as rage but if it’s my mum or a friend it’s likely to be a flood of tears and a torrent of unintelligible words.

I am hoping that this week might be the start of getting to grips with my feelings after Puddings birth. I have an appointment with Acacia who are a postnatal depression charity that run all sorts of helpful sessions. Looking forward to talking to someone and feeling able to be honest without being judged for not enjoying the kids.  Because it’s not about that, I love them both dearly, I just don’t feel like me anymore. Most days I feel as if I am living through Groundhog Day, I know that raising small children can be quite repetitive and that this is just a fact of life when you are a mother, but it’s definitely a fact I need some help to accept. I don’t know what the sessions at Acacia will be like, that makes me anxious but I hope that they will start to untie this guilty knot that’s still inside me. Things are better than they were a few weeks ago but I don’t think I am quite there yet…

As for the for the #chucklemums post? This is Pudding HQ something is bound to happen before lunchtime that will be worthy of featuring in a funny linky!

Love Pudding’s Mum

Motherhood: The Never Ending Shift

Petite Pudding – Mummy\’s Musings Mar 30

Our new arrival is now nearly 3 months, cute little dot she is, very smiley and pretty easy going. Mind you she has to be as our 3 year old (4 next month, where did that time go?) has decided that his only aim in life is to push his mother to the brink of insanity! It’s not that he is a bad kid, he just is struggling to adjust to not always being the number one priority in the house…
Last week really saw the tipping point! My other half hasn’t been working any more shifts than usual, it just feels like he has because he seems to be gone for days at a time. Our sons first question is always ‘where’s daddy? Is he working again?’ I guess it’s pretty hard on him as when either of us go on shift he doesn’t see us from one day to the next, we are up before he wakes and home long after he has gone to bed. Or worst still he has to be quiet round the house because one of us is sleeping for nights…. Any way; I digress back to the story I was telling.
So it’s Tuesday, and we are heading towards bed time, always a time where there is a risk of explosion in our house! It’s even worse this evening because the 3 year old in his infinite wisdom woke the baby from her nap and she is screaming. Unfortunately this happened around 6 hours ago and she has screamed like a banshee since then, my ears are ringing and my son looks like the world has ended! The sausages are cowering on their bed with their paws over their ears…
Dutifully I run my sons bath plonk him in and pick up his squalling sister who redoubles her efforts to sing me the song of her people… As I dance round the bathroom, swaying on the spot with my eyes momentarily closed to attempt to block out the noise my son decides to pick up his dad’s razor that has been left on the side of the bath (I hadn’t even noticed it was there…) he nicks his finger, cue major melt down from him! Without thinking I pick him up with one arm out of the bath, now I am soaking and have screaming in stereo. To add insult to injury the sausages have reached their tolerance limit, Toby turns to look at me and promptly vomits all over his bed, Flick takes flight upstairs to hide under my bed (I later realise her intention was actually to hunt out a forgotten used nappy and rip it up all over my bed, takes dirty protest to a whole new level). It’s at this precise moment my husband rings to see how we are doing and to find out what’s for dinner as he will be finishing on time, he is greeted by what can only be described as manic laughter….
Suffice to say bedtime could not come quick enough and it was with a great sigh I sunk onto the sofa at 7.30 with my ears still ringing. The reality of having two small children certainly hit home and my heart goes out to all those single parents out there or those whose partners work away. I only have 3/4 days a week utterly unsupported fighting the continuous demands of my offspring – believe me that is enough. No matter what my job as a nurse chucks at me least I know the shift will end, being a mum, now that’s a shift that never ends!

Introducing Pie

Petite Pudding – Pie Blog Mar 16

Hi Pie here, I am 3 and have recently been lifted to Big Brother Status, this is quite exciting but it’s not quite what I thought it would be. For starters Mummy and Daddy told me that I was going to have a baby brother or sister months and months ago and they kept taking me to see this greenish blob thing on a screen and trying to tell me this was the baby. Then there were all those times Mummy said she was tired and then she got too fat to help me put my shoes on or chase me round the soft play, she also got quite poorly and I was scared to leave her alone. Daddy said that my baby sister would be here just before Christmas, I thought maybe Father Christmas would bring her, but she arrived a few days early. Mummy said Pudding came out of the little red line on her tummy, and that the red line would be sore for a little while and that she wouldn’t be able to pick me up and that we would have to have low down cuddles. This made me quite sad as I love to play rough and tumble with Mummy and Daddy. I got to be the first person to see Pudding at the hospital, Daddy took me in to see her and Mummy. She wasn’t very interesting she was asleep, I was a bit disappointed as I wanted to play with her, luckily Mummy had saved me some biscuits!

The first few weeks home with Pudding was really hard for me, I love her lots and like to give her cuddles, but she takes up lots of Mummy’s time and sometimes I feel a bit sad when Mummy can’t respond immediately to my demands. Daddy and I have done loads of things together since Pudding arrived, we have made an awesome den in the park and we have been doing lots of soft play together. Its been really cool to have him at home to keep me entertained and to play with me when Mummy is sorting out Pudding or trying to get some sleep. I think Mummy has been a bit sad and has been crying quite a lot since Pudding was born, Daddy says its not my fault but that I just need to be as nice to Mummy as I can be. This is quite hard because I feel very cross at the moment and little things get me so mad, sometimes I find myself raging for no reason at all and it takes Mummy a long time to calm me down. I didn’t really like Mummy feeding Pudding either, she used to try and read to me  when she was feeding but Pudding kept messing about and ruining story time. Its much better now that I can help to give Pudding her bottle. I love picking out little outfits to dress Pudding in and I am great at finding all the things Mummy needs when she is changing Puddings’ bum. I had few problems with my talking and my toileting when Pudding was born, I really struggled to get my words out for a few weeks. It was very frustrating for me but its starting to get better now. I am still having a few accidents in my pants but I am getting lots better and Mummy is trying very hard to help me.

Life with Pudding is getting easier now, she smiles at me all the time and has started making funny noises at me. I am enjoying having Mummy home and not at work, we get to do lots of exciting things with my friends and I love going to preschool. Can’t wait for our holiday in a few weeks!

Love Pie xx